Born in Rwanda
Age: 18
September 10, 2021
I was fifteen years old when I left. I had a normal life, I was a regular person, a student. I used to live with my seven siblings (I am the youngest) and my parents. We lived in Kigali, the capital city of Rwanda.
Rwanda has a lot of economical issues. There is no freedom of speech like in the US. My parents made me leave the country so I could continue my education without any problems because there were a lot of political things going on. I actually wasn’t involved in the process that much because I was young and they didn’t want me to have to worry about it. My parents didn’t make me leave just for myself, if they would have had the chance to leave they would have but visas for them were harder. It was easier for me because I was younger and I could come here to study on the I-20 visa.
I kind of knew I was going to leave but it was like a dream. No one can really tell you. They came to take me from school in August of 2018 to get my passport. I thought this is a dream, maybe I’m going to Uganda. In December of that year, they started my visa process. That’s when I went to an interview and got photos taken. It just felt not real, you know? My parents are just going to tell me to go alone to America? No.
I came by myself to the US in January of 2019. When I was still in Rwanda I actually did not feel anything. Even at the airport too, I didn't even cry. I started feeling it on the plane when I was alone. It took three days to travel here.
They found a private school for me in Utah that funded the visa. I first went to Utah and I was only there for one day. I was supposed to go to a really expensive private school. Since my parents don’t live in the US, and Rwandan money is not US dollars, the cost was so expensive. My parents were like, we are not going to be able to pay that. They were ready to pay for everything but didn’t realize how much the fees would be. They were like, oh my god, we thought it was easy, but we don’t have this kind of money. So when I got to Utah, they called everybody they knew in the US and my aunt said yes I will take her. That’s when I came to Austin, Texas.
When I got to Austin my aunt and I didn’t know each other. She knew my parents, but she didn’t know me as a person. We had to learn about each other. She helped me with getting into public school, she took me everywhere that I needed to go, she bought me clothes, helped me to start a new life.
I got a lawyer to help with my immigration case because I didn’t know anything. I just recently turned 18 and became an adult last month. He helped me apply for asylum when I got here in 2019. That process is still happening, I’m just waiting for my interview.
I haven’t seen anybody since I left. Most of my direct family is still there now. My parents are still in Rwanda. I miss them, you know. I don’t see them. I wish I could go back and see them, to say hi.
It was really hard to leave at fifteen. I started feeling it when I got here when I didn't see anybody that I knew. It was really hard to miss my siblings and learn a new language - to start with new friends, new community, new everything. It was really hard. I can’t even - I would cry every night before I went to sleep. I would pray because I’m Christian.
Even if it was hard then, and even if I’m struggling right now since I have to cover a lot of things by myself, my safety and my future are more important than anything I’m feeling. Leaving wouldn’t have been the decision I would have made at that age because I would have missed them, but it was a good decision.
I started high school a week or two after arriving. I went to school in person for 2019 and then in the spring semester of 2020 everything happened. I finished high school in a pandemic and graduated this past spring. I wanted to experience regular high school but I didn't really get that.
I really wanted so much to fit in, I still do. For me, it wasn’t that hard because I’m a really flexible person. I’m really good at learning new things. The thing that was really hard was English. We used to learn English in school in Rwanda, but when you are making friends, and there are American accents and a lot of weird slang, it was hard. I had to be really strong. I think it was really helpful and hard at the same time that I was not with my parents and my siblings because I knew I was in charge of my learning and growth on my own. I came alone and I needed to learn this on my own. No one was going to learn it for me. I had to learn and I had to be patient.
I was driven in school and really wanted to be successful. But English and my citizenship were big barriers. There are a lot of things that when you apply for them you need to be a citizen. It took me a year to get social security so I could get a job and live a regular life. I need to pay for things. Sometimes English would be my barrier, but most of the time my immigration status is still the barrier. It’s not even my immigration status, it’s more the immigration system in the US. School is my future right now and the immigration process is really a big issue for college.
I got into UT Austin but I didn't go because I didn't have money to pay. I really wanted to go to UT. The new financial aid program they have that covers tuition for low-income students doesn’t include me because I am not a citizen. I’m attending community college now and I didn’t want to go to community college. For my three current classes, I pay more than $4000 as an international student. Other students that live in the district pay nothing. I don’t get to have that. I don’t get financial aid. There’s a lot of scholarships I didn't get because I am not a citizen. I can’t move anywhere, I can't travel. Because of my status, I need to work to be able to pay for my school so I am going to try to do both work and school part-time. I wish the immigration process went faster, I’m praying to get my papers. When I have them I’ll be able to go to school full time and actually study.
If I had everything available to me I would go to UT. Medical school is my dream. I would study hard trying to go to Stanford University. I want to go to medical school because my mom has a back problem and in Rwanda, the technology isn’t great and they can’t help her well, and that doesn’t feel good. I have to study hard but I think I can do it.
I want to go to medical school and I want to be a congresswoman. I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but that’s my dream. I also want to be an author. My goal in life is to do something that, even if I'm not going to be here in the world, even if I’m dead, my name is still here. Esther helped people, Esther was here.
There are a lot of differences between cultures. I miss everything, especially the food. In Rwanda, we cook food that we actually grow in our homes. At my house, we had a big backyard with our crops and I didn’t see us buy most of our food. We worked for it. I miss the music, I miss my family and friends that I grew up with. Everything. To feel like you have family members everywhere in the country, I feel like I don't have that. People who know each other, where everyone around you loves you and wants good for you. In Rwanda, you know everybody in the neighborhood. We’re a close community, like friendship. Here it’s not like that.
I am fully Rwandan. When I am with American people I feel like an American. I am in between. The cool thing is that I know both cultures. I know Rwandan things, I know American things. I can tell people about Rwanda and about Africa, and that’s cool. Even in America, I don’t know a lot, but I have some experience so I don't feel lost. The struggle is that you aren’t fitting in in either culture. It’s like Rwandan people don't take you as Rwandan. And in the US, they don’t see me as an American. When I'm working, people ask me where I’m from when I haven't even talked to them. I ask someone if I can carry their bags and they ask me where I am from. They clearly see I am not from here. You don’t fit in anywhere 100% and sometimes that is good but it’s bad because you don’t feel like you actually belong anywhere.
There’s understanding the immigration experience and then there is doing something to help people. People need to give others the space to be themselves. There are things that I would do in Rwanda that I can't do here because if I do I feel ashamed. It’s not the same thing as Americans. People need to not judge people because they are different. It should be a pleasure to get to know someone different because that's how you are going to learn new things and be able to exchange what you have with what they have. People need to try to help people. Imagine if you go to the bank and instead of the banker helping you to do things they tell you to do it on your phone. Well, I came here because I don't know how to do it on my phone. That’s an example of how to help people do things. America is very high in technology and not everyone knows how to do everything. Be open to helping the people you interact with.
Afterword from anonymous:
Being in between is not an easy lifestyle. Being in between is to always be ready to change dispositions. Being in between is to be able to act to like or dislike things according to who or where you are. Being in between preferences does not matter sometimes, being in between is accepting a flowing life with no permanent or determinable friends or favorites. The miracle of living in between is to end a day without embarrassment. Being in between is living without practicing a culture and traditions. In between life becomes school and when you are a student, school becomes a war you have to win.
Living in between is being an immigrant or living in a different place from your original place. People from where you are from do not consider you as their own anymore, and where you live they also think of you as an outsider. You do not feel like you belong anywhere. Missing the things that you should have for a long time or friends who you actually understand each other it's the permanent feeling. When you are an extrovert you should automatically be okay with people laughing at you and repeat more once you are talking. Even if you don't feel like it, you have to show a happy face to at least have peace with others. You can not live by showing your emotions or following your heart because you can't make it far.
Always worried about the next day’s interactions and outfits to be able to fit in. Feeling alone can even be your shadow. This life makes you distance yourself from actions or relations that make you feel happy, because a lot of problems or things that make you get hurt are from relationships, and you care about others, but you don't want to add that with your life, which is already not easy. You have a lot of restrictions and things that you are not able to get because of your immigration status and systems. In having fun you have to bring a journal to take notes.
In this life there is no other option, you have to be strong and tackle this lifestyle. You have to have a mindset that says that my challenges are a source of opportunities and growth. My difference from others is that it is a weapon to success. My experiences are my strength. At the end of each day you have to be proud in order to be ready and get motivated for the next day. You have to remember that even if life is tough, you have to keep moving because if you don't it's going to be the same situation over and over. This can make you get far because in life you are always open minded to get where you want. Knowledge like language can make you walk to places many can’t. The shining differences are signs of bravery.